As mothers, our children are our lifeblood, young or old, they are most precious to our hearts. And because of this intense attachment, we tend to push, to scold, to worry, to nag. This doesn’t fit too well with what the Gita preaches, which is the goal of detachment, aiming for a state of equilibrium, where one is swayed neither by pleasure nor by pain, by success nor by failure.
How can this be reconciled with being a good mother? Do we let our children fail, simply because it doesn’t matter? Do we take no pleasure in their achievements nor push them to succeed?
The answer to that is of course a resounding “No!” As mothers we absolutely owe it to our children to guide them, to teach them, to show them right from wrong. It is our duty. So how do we reconcile our role as teacher, mentor and guide with that of detached observer? By practicing compassionate detachment.
We can push our children to achieve their highest potential. We can hold them to the highest standards. But rather than telling them that they must come in first, that they must win the championship, be the best dancer, score the winning goal, or get the highest marks, we can practice telling them to do their very best. We can teach them that by doing their very best, they have done their duty. It doesn’t matter after that whether they win or lose, whether they come in first or third or tenth. To strive to the utmost to fulfill one’s fullest capability is in itself success. A subtle change in approach, but one that makes a world of difference, both for us and for our children.
We have to look at our own expectations, our desire to be the best and have our children make us proud. Our pride should come from how hard we try and the same goes for our children. In this way, we continue to strive for excellence, without stressing competition, aggression, intimidation, jealousy and fear. Ugly emotions. If we frame success in terms of effort, then the ugliness disappears and all that is left is an individual challenge and a self directed goal.
To be compassionately detached is to be free to love and yet be detached, not from our loved ones, but from the expectations that breed disappointment and anger. If we can love our children as beautiful fellow travelers on the road to perfection, who have been entrusted to our care for a brief while on their journey, then we can show true compassion that is free from toxic attachment.
Too often, we equate attachment with affection. But it is no such thing. Attachment is a selfish desire for payback. “You are mine, I raised you, I need you to do this or that. You disappointed me, you let me down.” How is this love? Real love comes only with equilibrium and lack of expectation.
If the goal is to perform duties without expectation, then we need to think carefully about what exactly we perceive as our essential duties.